how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
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“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
I’m a bad influence on myself.
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
13: Did you know that the youngest photo of you is also the oldest photo of you?
Me: ok Socrates time for bed
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.