how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
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If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
Why it’s so many prime days?
They broke ?
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
I’m just going to flip my omelette here
Anddddddddd
I’m actually having scrambled eggs now
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
I’m taking my kids with me to the office today. They’ll learn about my industry and what I do for a living and my coworkers will learn why I show up to work looking like a disheveled, defeated husk of a man.
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
Sorry I couldn’t come. I was on the way, but then I realised I’d forgotten my earphones, so I had to go back home and put my Chritsmas tree up.
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
‘Yes, sir. He’s barricaded himself in. He’s taken two sausages’
Dating is just wondering why someone is single and then slowly figuring it out
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.