Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Family BBQ]

Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!

Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.

I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.

Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:

Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?

Him: I give up

Me: A terrorst

Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.

Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us

Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no

Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.

I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.

My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI

Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.

so cool that kids can now text you from school and ruin your day in real time

Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants

SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN

Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown

my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow

me: yes

my mom today: do u work today

me: yes i already told u

my mom when i’m at work: where are u

[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?

They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this

a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition

I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…

My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”

………. she’s my 3rd kid.

I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.

My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.

People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!

If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.

Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*

Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.

BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday

if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed

If you see me out in public but we haven’t talked since high school let’s keep it that way.

Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age

Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older

The range on this guy!

Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS

Emergency training complete

How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face