Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.

haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?

I tried to cancel the sail I ordered for my new boat but Amazon said:

“We’re sorry, your sail has shipped.”

[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late

friend: don’t worry so much

me: omg why what will happen

Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.

Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.

If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.

The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.

When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.

Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.

*Getting pulled over*

Me: I knew we should have Uber’d

My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool

FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles

[later]

WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-

ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg

*At the ouija board*

Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…

Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G

In high school I was voted “most likely to hold a grudge” and I’m still fucking mad about it.

I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.

Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.

I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.

You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.

Never let them know your next move 😂

Nobody:

My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.

What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old

Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano

7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.

Growing up we didn’t have “influencers.” We watched a monster who binged on cookies and a pig who dated a singing frog. It was a simpler time.

*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape

Dr Raygun has achieved a feat absolutely unheard of in academia – people are reading her thesis

Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.

You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.

[working at the DMV]

Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?

Boss: *sweating profusely*