Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.

Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible

my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!

also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!

Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot

Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.

Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.

I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.

I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out

Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.

Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.

quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to

Me: School tomorrow! Hahahaha!

Child: Work today and for the rest of your life.

Me: Dammit.

Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?

Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”

Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.

Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?

I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.

Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.

I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese

“So you want a cheeseburger?”

Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad

Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”

[repeatedly mashing elevator button]

him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker

[starts licking elevator button]

the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together

My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions

Dear teenage kids of mine,

When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.

So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!

i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication

How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em

“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”

Anyone under 6ft 4 who wants to use an umbrella in a crowd should have to do a course.