How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
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My local zoo has installed signs throughout the grounds with my photo that say, “Do Not Feed The Animals Or This Guy.”
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
my favorite kind of post right now is the reply that goes “i do not believe that a politician, of all people, would say one thing publicly and another thing privately”
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
Kids today will never understand how many ninjas there were in the 1980s.
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.