How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
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If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
Butt weight. There’s more!
*updates tinder bio*
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos