How dare you just go on the internet and make a post specifically about you and your situation. Don’t you know other people have situations????
![]()
You Might Also Like
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
There is wisdom there.
![]()
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
![]()
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.