Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.

Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭

“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”

—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson

Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about

Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:

When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.

My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.

My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?

“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”

-meteorologists

Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.

A haunted house but it’s just people making different mouth noises in every room

*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*

Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”

Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.

My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze

Her: Do you like this outfit?

Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?

Her: Changing.

Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!

Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.

Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control

Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?

Her: Yes

Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?

Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas

[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]

my phone: spam risk

Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?

Nobody:

NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!

So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping

Why can’t mirrors be nicer

Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.

[Chocolate Cake 101]

Sober: Use a fork

Stoned: Use your fingers

Drunk: Use your face

Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters

[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs

I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.

*cop throws the book at me*

*I throw it back at him*

Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*

Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.