Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(Inception)

Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?

me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*

I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.

I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.

MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?

MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?

MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?

ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—

I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.

Fun things to try with your loved ones #32145

If you find yourself with a friend or a family member in an enclosed space such as a car or an elevator:

1)Release a ‘silent but deadly’ fart
2)Ask them, “Hey! Do you smell popcorn?!”

They inhale deeply…

You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating

The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.

5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?

Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it

5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?

Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover

Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes

Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?

When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.

I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.

Luigi Mangione sounds like a made up Italian name, but then again, my name is Michael Primavera.

I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.

If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4

Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.

Me: you’re leaving me?

Her: [walking out]

Me: is it all of my-

Her:

Me:

Her:

Me:

Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses

Me:

Her:

Me: -dramatic pauses?

Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.

Bladder: I have to go

Laziness: Hang in there, champ

The Sun’s probably Asian.

I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”

Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.

BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup

i said it’s my favorite movie, i didn’t say it was good

Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.

Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.

I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy

Me: get murdered or die trying amirite

Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered

Okay this one takes it home

ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.

Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.