How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
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As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
he’s doing your taxes
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
“If you don’t ask, you don’t get” isn’t always true because I definitely did not ask you to be such a massive tw#t.
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
we had to replace our dishwasher a few months ago and i genuinely had to argue with the store that i wanted the stupidest machine they had. there is not a single situation in the world in which my dishwasher needs wifi
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.