How dare you say I’m crazy on the eve of my cats wedding
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Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
The mayor of Toronto wants us to return to in-person work to help cut down on crime in the city but unless most of us are employed as Batman I’m not sure the plan will unfold as she expects
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
Breaking news:
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I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
My 7yo was pretending to be a bunny, and my 8yo was trying her best to train her with carrots. In the middle of their play, my 8yo came up to me with a big smile, “thank you for giving me a bunny to play with.”
huge valentines day plans this year!!
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Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan