Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.

not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air

There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….

now tell me, Are you one of Them?

Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐

FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swear

ME: is it your liver & kidneys?

i bet it’s your liver & kidneys

Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday

Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-

Him: I won’t bore you with the details.

Me: Too late for that.

All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus

ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet

VERIZON: How’d you get it wet

ME: I talked dirty to it

HIM: ……

ME: Water asshole. How else?

Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet

Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?

His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers

6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?

Me: They can’t get in.

6: Why not?

Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.

me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*

brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH

me: *goes radio silent*

I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.

Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.

Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes

My life coach traded me.

Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today

i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.

I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”

You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake

Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts

I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before

the devil works hard but the single multivitamin i take after making unhealthy choices for weeks works harder

As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.

As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.

Had to submit my CV for something and they asked why there was a three month gap between finishing school and starting university lol

i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021

looking for:

⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out

I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.

Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.

Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.

My favorite female superhero

When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?

Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?

God: just turn around

Almost every animal: ok

Owl: I absolutely will not