How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
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At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
The Sun
The only thing flat-earthers fear is sphere itself.
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
Don’t you hate it when you buy organic veggies and when you get them home you realize they’re donuts
staying in a hotel makes me feel like the queen of the world and staying in an airbnb makes me feel like i’m secretly living in the walls of somebody’s house
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
My 4yo screamed at the top of his lungs at 6:45am this morning, we are staying at my in laws, so I said “I’m not sure everyone likes it when you scream like that.” Then, from the other side of the room, my 18mo who last week could barely say 10 words, “Winnie like it”
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
My dad.
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.