How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
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Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
When you in the top 0.001% of listeners you should be able to go to the artist house
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
i hate the toilet paper math where the package says like “6 ROLLS = 33 ROLLS!” No it doesn’t.
You never forget your first kiss. Or your first meeting with HR.
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.