how DARE
You Might Also Like
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
As someone who lost his pet worm at a RFK Jr event last year this is the worst day of my life
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
This might be the funniest tweet ever
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY