How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
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Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
peeping toms
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.