How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
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OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
it’s hard to believe that this long, crazy election will finally be over in a few months
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
