How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
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don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
Lovingly looking at my dog knowing I’m ab to ruin her day with a bath
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
