“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
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Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
I enjoy excess
*notices my doctor is listening*
but only in moderation
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
Candles never taste the way they smell
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning