How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
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If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.