how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
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Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.