how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
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Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
Catering service
