how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
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Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
I’d … I’d rather not.
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
Fact: In the U.K., many Air Traffic Controllers don’t work in airports, but in buildings miles away. Whereas in France, most Air Traffic Controllers don’t work at all.
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
Cutting the rings on my 6 pack plastic thing so nobody chokes when i throw it into the turtle enclosure at the aquarium