How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
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Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
As a lil mental health treat I’ll throw a few beef bullion cubes in my hot tub then sit in it like I’m a slow cooking roast in a crock pot.
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
Brain: I’m manifesting abundance.
Body: here’s another chin
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
Small talk is good for your sanity because you can have a short, pleasant exchange with a stranger and then feel good for a minute because you tricked yourself into thinking maybe not everyone is insane
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option