How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
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Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.