@U_Want_Shum_M8

How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling

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@SarraBeth

“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.

@realHamOnWry

Two men came to the door asking if I’d found Jesus.

I had no idea he was missing and I suddenly got nervous thinking I might be a suspect.

@ValeeGrrl

Husband: *hacks up lung* I think I’m comin down with something

Me: lol ok whatever

Kid: *tiny cough*

Me: OMG MY POOR BABY COME TO MOMMA

@TheAlexP

Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?

@TheBoydP

All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.

@Carroll_Amy_

the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us

@ThisOneSayz

I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.

Long story short, I need bail money.

@krisv_723

A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.

@IamJackBoot

If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.