How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling

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“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.


Two men came to the door asking if I’d found Jesus.

I had no idea he was missing and I suddenly got nervous thinking I might be a suspect.


Husband: *hacks up lung* I think I’m comin down with something

Me: lol ok whatever

Kid: *tiny cough*



Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?


All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.


the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us


I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.

Long story short, I need bail money.


A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.


If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.