Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good

Me: Night love.

11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?

“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.

Email translations:

“I was under the impression”
Translation: I’m furious

“As per my email”
Translation: I’m furious

“With respect”
Translation: I’m furious

“Whilst I appreciate”
Translation: I’m furious

“As I’m sure you’re aware”
Translation: I’m furious

“As previously discussed”
Translation: I’m furious

[Darth Vader sitting down]

DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!

Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord

DV: You thought?

*begins force choking*

You have kale’d me for the last time

Me: I’m so bored.

Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?

Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!

Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic

The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.

Me: [to myself] ok, act cool

Crush: nice weather today

Me: thanks

TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?

BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not

Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual

I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS

[first day as doctor]

ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news

PATIENT: what is it

ME: I amputated the wrong hand

Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there

Shout out to everyone who cooks at 180°C for 20 minutes, no matter what the instructions say.

[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?

If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.

“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood

“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc i never listen to u

HER: yes

ME: k see u tonight

[first day at prestigious culinary school]

“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”

As a someone who sleeps nude, my opinions on pajamas are immaterial.

Lifeguard:

Me:

Lifeguard:

Me:

Lifeguard: I’ll say it again. We don’t handle people who are drowning financially.

Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude

i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery

Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?

Husband: These would be your Sister Wives

Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.

you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that

[At the therapists]

Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.

Therapist: That’s the spirit!

Me: Holy shit! Where?