How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
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*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
The BMI chart says that for my height I should weigh 160 lbs.
My skeleton weighs 160 lbs.
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.