Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first date]

HER: I like classic cars

ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels

Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?

when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s

Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…

*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.

Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park

Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….

Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.

Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?

All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.

My Boss: Are you with me so far?

Me *nodding* : Yes.

*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.

Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.

A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon

Looking for investors

ME: So what do you do?

DATE: I’m a chef in the army.

ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.

HER: *already in an Uber

Basically, any European coat of arms:

Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated

I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug

1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside

I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open

Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming

ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.

“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort

If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.

I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?

wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma

I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.

Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐

To the lady in the black BMW who stuck up two fingers at me after I beeped at her when pulling out of Waitrose car park just now:

Your Louis Vuitton handbag probably isn’t on your car roof anymore.

My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on sale

My search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food