How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
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When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
Cats (2019)
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …