How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
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Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
Getting on the floor to pick up a piece of paper after doing deadlifts was a choice
I guess I live down here now
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
Sorry I’m late, traffic is exactly how it’s been every day for the past 5 years, and I was not expecting that.
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.