Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why would I want to fund a crowd?

I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…

But all they sent me was her underwear.

My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.

The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that

Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself… Probably had it coming anyway

moms in horror movies

Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI

Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?

*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*

My foot: I’LL GET IT

My brain: NO YOU IDIOT

nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting

So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.

The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.

Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.

Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”

Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax

What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.

Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good

[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”

I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.

Parents: If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you do it as well?

Me: (imagining a scenario where everyone is jumping off of a bridge): probably. What if it’s on fire?

Parents: go to your room.

Valentine’s Day tip for the men:

If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.

You’re welcome

Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”

If you fart in the forest and nobody is around to hear it, would anyone- [text from wife: you’re disgusting]

I am travelling in the Mexican wilderness and have been accepted into a pack of pumas!

They protected me last night while I slept. Deeply honoured to say I think they are are also happy to let me have some of their breakfa

Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.

Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”

People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.

…not with her, obviously, but still.

Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?

Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys

Me: Tell me WHY

Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake

I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.