Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE

Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything

[first day selling houses]

me: shits about to get realty

Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick

[Observation Ward]

Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-

Doctor 1: Take his phone

Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago

Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?

My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.

I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?

Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”

{Guidance counselor glares at them}

Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*

Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt

*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?

My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬

me: i’m doing well

webmd: you may want to sit down

How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?

*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.

Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.

Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.

cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort

If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail

All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.

Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex

I’m too immature for adultery.

My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?

Me: Yes.

Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*

Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.

Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.

Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays

My friends are always encouraging me to persist. “Don’t quit your day job.”

You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.

Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.

Friend: That’s good to know.

Me: It’s actually much worse than that.

*pronounces woah like Noah*

“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”

– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car

You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.