Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.

*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*

My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love

Me: [drinks SlimFast]

Me: [takes off shirt]

Me: [drinks SlimFaster]

Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.

Romantic Emotional Stability Level:

I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.

Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend

If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.

Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.

An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.

My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.

I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.

I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.

1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping

“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe

My bologna has a first name.
-Oscar Meyer

All of my food has a first name.
– Jeffrey Dahmer

“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”

“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”

have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car

NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money

Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.

[Baseball game]

ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex

HIM: What? No, baseball came first

ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball

When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.

Life hack

My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory

why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house

I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.

i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses

Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.

Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital

Me: That would be great, we really need the beds

I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.

Boss: “What companies are those?”

Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”

I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.