How did people charge their phones before electricity?
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If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
my lawyer: so, you wish to be cryogenically frozen & you are not to be unthawed until somebody kills that big spider in your bathroom?
me, eating a corn dog: that’s correct, your honor.
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
And we’re off! To an unreasonable start
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
umm…
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh