How did people charge their phones before electricity?
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Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
RIP fred flintstone he would’ve loved treadmills.
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
I have a box of thirdhand rice. My daughter’s friend bought it, but then he moved out of his apartment so he gave it to her because it wasn’t opened. Now she’s moving out of her apartment so she gave it to me because it wasn’t opened. I’m not really sure how I feel about it.
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
Creepy-crawlies
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
“Wait, let me explain..”
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁