How did people charge their phones before electricity?
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Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
Excited to announce I’m launching my own coin off a skyscraper to see if it’s true it’ll kill someone
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
Just parrot things
Made a mistake at work and my supervisor was like, “this is magical” so I said “ta-da!” and they laughed and this is how I will be announcing all of my mistakes from now on.
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful