How did people charge their phones before electricity?
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My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.