@AmishPornStar1

How did people charge their phones before electricity?

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@humanaaron

ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like

@SteveSuckington

Is it still illegal to run someone over with your car if they’re wearing camouflage?

@AndyAsAdjective

7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?

ME: are…are you high right now?

@4SLars

If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.

@slimmy_shady

MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.

@ClichedOut

doctor: what seems to be the problem

me: it seems like u should be telling me

@EJGomez

God: u can ask me 1 question
me: ok if the singular of geese is goose is the singular of sheep a shoop
God:
[later]
devil: welcome to hell

@mattZillaaaa

My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.