How did people charge their phones before electricity?
You Might Also Like
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
But wait…
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
our love story in four pictures
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
Lol #dogsoftwitter
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.