How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
You Might Also Like
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
on a walk around my neighborhood today i saw two houses across from each other with a “my neighbor is a karen” flag in their yard and i’m really interested if they hate each other or there’s a third neighbor who’s just a realllll b***h
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
Tonight I wanted to stop drinking but then I rememberd the owner of the pub has a family to feed
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.