Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.

My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.

dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it

my friend taps me on the shoulder and whispers “you might not think your face conveys how much you hate this, but i need you to know it does”

😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣

I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.

A baby bear catches snowflakes.

When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.

Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.

Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.

Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.

The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.

wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight

me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses

wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time

[later]

hannah’s husband: hey

me: that’s it i’m out

[hearing a colleague using their mouse’s scroll wheel] well check out Johnny Longdocument over here

Always remember –

If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.

Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”

Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:

Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.

So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.

me: see you later alligator

crocodile: [frustrated sigh]

Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.

“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”

-Netflix.

I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.

Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*

[repeat ad infinitum]

[Logging in]

• Password must be 6 digits

Me : *Types “6 digits”*

Computer : You are an imbecile.

I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: Can you hear my chips?

Judge: how do you plead?

Me: like this 🙏

my buddy told me he was on a plane and they were like “is there a doctor on board” and he was like “im a paramedic” and they were like “no it’s ok we found a DOCTOR” and the doctor was like “uhhh i haven’t examined a patient since med school can we please bring the paramedic”

anyways turns out the person was just sleeping so everything was fine

My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA

Modest Mouse: Float On

Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On