“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
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Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?