“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
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“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
Planet of the Apps.
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
I forgot that Tesco opens later on a Sunday and now I’m queuing outside like they’ve released a new tomato or something.
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂