how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
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Hard not to take this personally
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
Toasters aren’t governed by that little dial.
They have free will.
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
A robber walks into a bank with a glue gun
And shouts “This is a stick-up!”
Of course I look tired, it’s hard pretending to be awake.
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
