how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
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just make the entire table out of coaster
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
I’ve given up trying to remember to bring my bags to the store, now I roll my cart to the car and unload the items one at a time like the Pilgrims used to do
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
Meteorologist: It’s going to get even hotter.
Me [on fire]: HOW
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?