How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
You Might Also Like
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
psycho uses a TON of central framing and its making me so mad because you just KNOW that alfred hitchc*ck was doing it for the sake of tik tok video clips
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
This lady in my bowling league was just hammering strikes and someone asked her “what kind of performance enhancers did you take before this” and she just says “Applebees Wings” and then just blows another strike right down broadway
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!