Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lady behind me on this @delta flight is complaining to the stewardess because they made her check her bag and there’s a ton of room.

Her husband to the stewardess: “you know she went to college with the CEO of Delta”

Stewardess: “You should have kept in touch.”

💀

There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.

I’m starting a petition to get abacuses mounted on to all Zimmer Frames. I hope I can count on your support.

Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get

Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained

Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you

Me: like I said, it’s trained

Me: want a grilled cheese?

6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.

Me: you got it.

WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother

My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.

Sometimes, when I’m on a date with my wife of sixteen years, I break awkward silences by saying first date things like “so, I’ve never dated a mom before”

kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum

mom: who?

kid: grandma. she’s coming back

mom: honey grandma died years ago

[urn falls off mantle]

mom: get the—

kid: —vacuum?

Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf

due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.

oh you wanna fight?!

can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)

Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born

Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it

The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.

My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”

boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT

My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.

It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…

a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.

The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.

I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.

My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.

[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.

Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.

Not one.

Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.

[7 minutes in heaven]

Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha

Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you

“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.

Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.