Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.

You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them

Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.

*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*

Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix

HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-

ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.

I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.

[boss pulling me aside after the meeting]: I need you to quit calling me “m’lord”

Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;

At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.

Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed

Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.

To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.

There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will

The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.

The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.

They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.

As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?

Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood

I think that’s enough internet for one day…

Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”

15: “ya”

Me: “What colour’d you use?”

15: “I used orange.”

Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”

– mac n cheese has it’s own language.

Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*

Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*

When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly

Missed Connection:

I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.

This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.

“We’d love to hear your feedback about our site!”

I don’t think you will….

Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.

BaD BoY!!

I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.

“How’s your day going?”

The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together

A manager I worked with when I worked in fast food told us.
There was this one kid who didn’t show up for work. He ditched work often, so the manager called around, and couldn’t get anyone to fill in his shift, so she had to fill it for him.
A few hours into his shift, the dude ditching SHOWS UP, with his friends, and orders food from that manager. She fired him on the spot