Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*discovering a dead body*

Friend: When I said call for help I kind of meant the police?

Me: Aww man…sorry dude, you heard him.

Guy from Blue’s Clues: I’m still getting paid right

Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.

Me: I can’t stand them more.

KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?

ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.

“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.

“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday

I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”

Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired

Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.

there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.

Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.

I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin

Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef

Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.

I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.

If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.

Me: How much for the snake hamster?

Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret

the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed

Me: Ah-woooo!

The Moon: [swipes left]

Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome

ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*

Don’t talk to me about pain, I once had to teach my boomer mother that she can rewind her tv program and kept repeating “NO it WON’T effect anyone else who is watching it, mum”

Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.

When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it

Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:

1) Breakfast

2) Breakfurious

How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.

umm…

“Look guys! No hands!”

-captain of the Titanic

I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.

“I’m not racist but…” – Britain

It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.