@robdelaney

How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.

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@gagging

If you think marijuana doesn’t kill you’ve obviously never read the bible. People getting stoned to death left and right.

@Diversion50

I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.

@andlikelaura

me: expecto patronum!

[30 minutes later a sloth crawls out of my wand and goes to sleep]

@RealBobMortimer

FOR SALE: Circular metal shield with metal handle… possibly Roman??..(chanced across it on top of my dustbin) £8.00

@abbycohenwl

“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”

@Manda_like_wine

I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.

@HiddenPinky

[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*

@McCutty1

She won’t admit she’s obsessed with Instagram…

But her kids’ names are Brannan, Kelvin, and Valencia.

@Reverend_Scott

COP: Know why I stopped you?

MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?

COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken