How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
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It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
How tf did it end up there?
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
How do we know what dinosaurs sounded like? They could have whispered or had a Swedish accent. We don’t know
I am not a people person. I am a person person. One (1) of you mfers at a time and even that is pushing it.
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
live footage of daylight savings taking the sun away at 4pm
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
Im not joining no alternate twitter app not gon lie, if this gets taken down im starting a family