How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
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HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
They’re not wrong
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*