Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*

Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?

Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die

Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”

-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!

Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.

Me: Okay.

Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?

Me: Quick

Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail

$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.

[sitting at a table]

Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number

*thermostat negotiations*

u guys got any snacks onboard here

Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?

When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply

me: one Big Mac with no cherries

cashier: cherries?

me: no thanks

Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*

Waiter: is there a problem

There are two types of moms: those who wish the recital had booze and those who smuggle booze into the recital.

What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?

[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.

[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.

Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.

Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?

Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.

*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*

Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!

Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.

Did we do it, did we save the daylight

a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip

A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:

If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified

Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO

Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!

Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.

My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death

Maternity confirmed

[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules here

ME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules

Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.