How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
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If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
My neighbors kid has been outside banging on a bucket for over an hour while their dog barks at him ….. I would throw a rock but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough