GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
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Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
the greatest twitter interaction
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.