Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.

Me: I once ate undercooked chicken at a restaurant for months because I didn’t want to upset the server.

Them: Why…why didn’t you just stop ordering the chicken?

Me: Hindsight is 20/20, David.

2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |

Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?

3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*

Me:

Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”

Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer

Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow

Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.

Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.

waiter: would you like a box

me: how is it prepared

me: iced latte please

barista: what type of milk?

me: spaghetti

My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office

I can’t believe the gall of this bladder.

I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.

The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.

Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.

Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?

Me: this conversation.

I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….

That makes 7,427 days in a row.

[getting dating advice from my dad]

Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid

“Well which one is it?”

tinder is all about the long game

New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?

Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?

My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?

I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco

I have two selves:

One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.

I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”

me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?

court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here

My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.

Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.

My Dad just turned on a documentary about WWII. At the start it warned “may contain violence”. Dad muttered, “that’s a bit of an understatement, isn’t it?”

Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?

Original Oreos.

Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.