How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
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My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
Usually I have to be home for Thanksgiving surrounded by family to see a 27 year old fist fight a 58 year old
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
So unfortunately my Mom membership was revoked because they found out I’ve never arranged to have my family’s picture taken in a field of wheat or wildflowers.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
(watching the shower scene in Psycho) I’d kill for that water pressure
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
Photobombing Giraffe 😅
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere