Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were

We got an electric blanket so now I call all of our other ones acoustic blankets.

I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.

My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.

Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.

If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?

Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.

Wife: I’m pissed!

Me: still or again?

They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.

People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.

gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now

me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*

[God making water]

“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what

[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas

The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.

I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot

landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.

Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”

Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours

If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.

My husband has put a couple of watches on eBay. Which has made me really happy as I can now ask how many people are watching his watches several times a day.

Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?

Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.

If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing

You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.

I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.

Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no

[Applebee’s, 49 BC]

waiter: what would you like, sir

Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*

waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?

I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.

Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems

Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now