How did the first person to read learn how to read?
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interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
The composer Erik Satie once spent a week in jail for sending insulting postcards to a journalist who gave him a bad review. One read ‘I shit on you with all my force’.
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
Today I learned that you’re supposed to pee on a jellyfish sting and NOT a jelly stain. So my apologies to the lady at Dunkin this morning. I was only trying to help
not enough rap songs about your grocery store suddenly changing their layout
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok