“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
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Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
Frankenstein?
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
Traffic stop
Cop: there’s a dead body in the back seat of your car
Me: it was like that when I bought it
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
Arrest that man!
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.