How did the person who invented the spelling of “banana” decide when to stop?
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[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
I decided not to go for a run today because of the weather but mostly because of the running.
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
i don’t understand the parking brake in my car, like when does my car need to be “more” parked than it is
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Neighbor: My daughter is in Pre-K.
Me: So she’s in J?
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.