How did the person who invented the spelling of “banana” decide when to stop?
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I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
“I don’t do politics.”
Politics will do you, my brother and sister. Politics will do you like mad.
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me