How did the person who invented the spelling of “banana” decide when to stop?
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A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
it looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
energy cannot be created nor destroyed
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
Pretend you’re a kangaroo by sticking a photo of your child out of the top of your trousers.
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend