Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

today my coworker unknowingly told Zooey Deschanel that she “looks like Zooey Deschanel but older” ⚰️

God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.

Angel: What do you call it?

God: A toddler.

Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.

[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*

Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned

I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.

Why would I want to fund a crowd?

ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey

We decided to have money instead of children.

Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.

After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.

Oh wait I made them too.

fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks

have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened

M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.

James Bond: I should use better what now?

wtf management?!

I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.

Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.

Haters gonna hate.

Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…

[murder scene]

Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail

SD2- Let’s track him down

*10 hours later*

SD1-Damn that guy is fast

One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!

I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting

we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably

can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands

Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.

Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.

Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.

The 7 year old referred to some minor drama at school as having ‘almost caused world war one one one’, which I think is a beautiful example of saying something you’ve only ever read and never heard

I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way

*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??

This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.

You can just call me Opposite Barbie.