Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”

*me in a horror movie*

me: a knife? HA

killer: [pauses confused]

me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA

k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]

*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*

If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong

WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go

My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.

Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.

my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree

Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!

*wildlife shows up*

Home buyer: Not like that.

How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha

[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*

Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.

Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?

Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.

If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”

Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now

This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form

I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.

My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.

You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March

Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.

9-year-old: No one can read my diary.

Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.

9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.

Roses are red, you always mattered,

dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven

I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies

1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”

If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.

“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”

What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.

Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall