How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
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“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
After kissing my girlfriend on the sofa, she said ‘Let’s take this upstairs.’
I replied, ‘OK, you grab one end and I’ll grab the other.’
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
Always a metermaid never a meter
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods