Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[ugly sweater contest]

*starts sweating*

*takes home the gold*

Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?

3-year-old: Babies are jerks.

I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.

HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.

-I say as I climb through your window

Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him

HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems

*i pick up my phone*

HER: your behavior is untenable

“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”

I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.

TV Show Idea:

Speculation news.

A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.

America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.

Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record

I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.

Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.

Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned

Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent

[Shopping for Deodorant]

I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.

I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.

Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase

Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product

If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.

[Me getting cut off in traffic]

GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!

[Notices USMC sticker]

AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!

doctor: your parents were in a car accident

me: how are they?

doctor: they’re critical

me: I meant medically

[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that

My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar

A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.

My favorite part of today is when I yawned once & my mother instantly snarked “but what do you have to be tired about?” with zero irony while holding the infant I gave birth to 4 months ago.

i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end

I’m white, but…

Nope. Can’t do one of those today.

Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.

I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.

My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.

doctor: there are two wolves inside of you

me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?

doctor: won’t we all, someday?

me: shouldn’t you know?

doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy

Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.

I only sleep with people who make me laugh.

Luckily, I find myself hilarious.