How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
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Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
It’s my emotional support 16 unwashed coffee cups in the sink
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
“Yes, but what if 9 pregnant women could produce a baby in 1 month?”
-More or less every project manager I’ve ever worked for
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)