Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: What’s your name please?

Customer: Hal

Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?

Customer: Harold

Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah

Boss: Could you ever just don’t?

I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..

My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.

I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed

This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know

Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer

Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.

Then we met.

“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself

Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day

just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy

kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times

wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair

Old joke:

Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”

Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”

Customer: “You did it last year.”

Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name

7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.

me: why does my back hurt

also me:

The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.

What’s your favorite position?

Me: sleeping

Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.

I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her

[Fancy Restaurant]

Host: May I take the lady’s coat?

Me: Please.

Host: And yours sir?

Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.

I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes

I’m going to call it Pungent

Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “

a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her

Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.

sneaking therapy tips into conversation with my mom like how u give a dog a pill wrapped in cream cheese

Him: I’m leaving you

Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though

If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.

I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.

A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.