how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
You Might Also Like
I saw some guy got arrested when he tried to steal two salamis by sticking them in his pants. I bet if he had only stolen one, he might have gotten away with it.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
wife: be careful climbing that ladder, it looks dangerous
me: hey, danger’s my middle name
daughter: WHAT?!?
son: SERIOUSLY?!? And I got stuck with Andrew???
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
Sign of the day..
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.