Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*hands a turd to the teacher

Teacher: What’s this?!

Me: My dog ate my homework.

Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.

Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?

Me: I love you..Marry Me!

Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.

Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.

Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.

Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks

When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*

My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me

And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.

You don’t see great advertising like this anymore

My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place

Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.

#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday

Age 10: I want to be a baseball player

Age 20: I want to be a writer

Age 30: I want to be happy

Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze

God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.

I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.

FUN PRANK:

Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say

“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”

Then watch how mad he gets.

It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.

I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.

ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]

wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?

me:

Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name

“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”

-guy who invented sports

Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes

Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope

Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.

[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.

me: “it hurts when i pee”

doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”

Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.