how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
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Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
This is hilarious
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
Me: teachers have a hard job, stop treating them as babysitters.
also me when school resumes in the fall: OH THANK GOD
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
The biggest mystery of our time
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
Her: come on over
Me: can’t. I’m sitting here pondering the meaning of the universe
Her: but I’m alone
Me: aren’t we all