How did they get kids to pose for oil paintings mine won’t sit still for 4 seconds for a family photo
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You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
I did not eat the cake…
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
no regrets
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
My sister: can you believe that I’m pregnant again! Must be something in the air
Me: yeah your legs
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
I’ve been watching a 3 yr old all day like a hawk and I stepped out the room for 1/1000 of a second and came back and she was dangling from the ceiling fan about to toss a hand grenade
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
keeping a picture of my bed in a locket around my neck and staring at it longingly on my lunch break
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream