How did they get kids to pose for oil paintings mine won’t sit still for 4 seconds for a family photo
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I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
Hey I worked for it too!
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”