Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.

In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.

The secret to being a private person is to overshare dumb shit so people think you are an open book but then not tell them any of the important details of your life.

Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.

There should be a day between Sunday and Monday called Hang on a Second.

Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard

GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore

ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome

My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.

I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!

︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎

Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.

him: I got a new tattoo

me: what is it

him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work

me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt

him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat

and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad

So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.

Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.

If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.

The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.

At least my masseuse has my back.

[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules here

ME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules

My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.

Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.

What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?

Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water

J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials

Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻

Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”

So UBER is not a dating app?

*sigh*

I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.

I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.

[being buried alive] you missed a spot

Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.

Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.

Just this preview of the story is enough

I feel it

found my next D&D character name

People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.