Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.

Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel

Wile E Coyote: oh no

Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.

Me: That’s a cam-

Wife: …

Me: Yes. Yes they do.

Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.

I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch

McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.

And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.

All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.

I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.

My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.

[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities

Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?

You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.

Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]

doctor: drugs have destroyed your body

me: you should see the other guy

doctor: what other guy

me: only i can see him

*aliens come to earth to steal our water*

[cut to]

*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*

“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers

Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.

We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us

As a child all I wanted was as to be a time traveller like my grandson and his grandson before him.

[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]

“Stop hurting that octopus!”

Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.

After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.

My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.

Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.

First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.

me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️

police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes

If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.

You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.

Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.

Kids: LOL

Dog: LOL

Brain: LOL

Bladder: LOL

Really looking forward to the day my 14yo daughter starts speaking English again.