how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
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When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
I don’t think I could be Spider-Man because I hate it when my fingers are all sticky.
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
When I was young I fixed my parents’ computer and now that I’m older I fix computers for my kids. Are we the only generation that knows how computers work?
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.