How did we not see this back then?
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Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster